If I’d only waked up an hour earlier….
It seems every death, no matter how peaceful or expected, carries along with it some guilt. A sudden death is even more likely to invite guilt on the loved ones remaining. That seems to be the human nature of most people. If we cherished the one who died, we come up with something we could have done better.
People have told me of blaming themselves for having a rousing argument with the spouse before he had that fatal car wreck. Some women felt guilty for resenting the time it took to make daily visits to him in the nursing home. More than one woman was ashamed of losing patience, and showing it, with the person who died.
Because my husband died of a sudden heart attack before daylight on an autumn morning, I often thought I should have awakened earlier and noticed he left our bed. I could have gone looking for him sooner. Then when I found him on the living room floor, I would have started CPR earlier, would have called 911 sooner, and perhaps saved his life. Maybe I didn’t do CPR correctly. Many waking nights were haunted by these thoughts.
Passing on into the next life should be a joyous time of celebration if our loved ones are Christians. But even so, we often think we could have made their life easier and would have made their passing less painful if we’d known it was eminent. We should have said, “I love you” more. We should have been perfect.
That’s the thing. We’re not perfect. Only Christ was, and all he expects of us is our best. We must pray daily for that patience, pray to learn how to curb our sharp tongue, and most of all, say in real, audible words how much we love each other. While the could’as, should’as, would’as might not disappear completely, God will keep them under control.
If we have a justifiable regret for something we said or did or didn’t do, God will forgive, and then our hearts can feel peace. Do you have a regret you are beating yourself over the head with like a baseball bat?
“Then I acknowledged my sin to You and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, ‘I will confess my transgressions to the Lord.’ And You forgave the guilt of my sin.”
Psalm 32:5 (NIV)
I don’t know whether I’ve mentioned this, but I’ve wondered if a sudden death of a spouse is in a weird way a little better than a slow lingering death. Would you feel a little better about not having been able to do more, since you didn’t see it coming? Our circumstances were different, so let me know your thoughts.
I’ve actually thought about this a lot. True, in a sudden death there’s often not anything else you could have done. On the other hand, a slow death of a loved one allows you to start your grieving much earlier down the road than having the sudden shock at the end. In reality, neither is “best.” We just have to pray for God to hold our hand, and cope as best we can.
My husband had a terminal diagnosis and was in the hospital the morning he died, but I can tell you that to me his death was sudden and unexpected. I later realized that I had been in anticipatory grief from the day of his diagnosis 4 1/2 years earlier, but the moment I was told his heart had stopped I went into shock. He was in ICU where he’d been taken an hour before and I was not by his side when he entered heaven. It’s been 3 1/2 years and there are still times I struggle with the guilt of that. I have to remind myself that God was right there with him.
You are right. We have to remind ourselves that God welcomed them with open arms. It is a comfort to dwell on it that way.